Sometimes we parent so that WE will be happy, so that WE will be calm. They would give anything to be able to control themselves so that you would be happy and not angry. They want nothing more than to please you. NOT AT ALL! But remember that our children receives all our frustration and anger. I’m not at all suggesting that you be a pushover or that you give in to whatever your child wants.
ADHD kids don’t always see the connection between not cleaning their rooms on Tuesday and not going to a birthday party on Saturday.ģ. Of course you can have rules like “No going out on school nights” but that’s a rule, not a punishment. That really doesn’t teach much to a child with ADHD. Don’t gather resentments and punish them tomorrow for something they did a week ago. They don’t have the emotional maturity and years of experience that you have to understand your concerns. You’re worrying about the future and expecting them to step up because you’re worried is not possible. Kids and teens live in the present for the most part. You may notice that your children don’t really care when you say things like, “If you get an F you won’t be able to do advanced math next year,” or “You won’t be able to get into X college.” Youngsters don’t think that way. Stop thinking about how bad the future is going to be if X does or does not happen. You need solid ground, a person who will be your dry land while you learn to avoid the waves.Ģ.
No sandcastle can be built if the waves keep washing it away. Someone who will be available to you, someone who will accompany you through the muck that you’re stuck in. Instead, find an expert who will partner with you. (Ummm, coz if you were the experts you wouldn’t be so exhausted, frankly). But thinking that we are the experts for our children is not helpful either. We have the right to be wary of so-called experts. ADHD parents have often been “handed a line of horse manure” when trying to parent our children in a world that seems to shun us and them. It’s a puzzle: when we’re so unhappy, why do we fight tooth and nail to stay that way? Why do we feel we’ve been insulted, misunderstood, or rejected when someone says, “I know a better way”? 3 Ways to Suffer Less and Enjoy Moreġ. In fact, people will go to great lengths to explain to me why their problem is everything BUT the way they think about the situation. Our problem is that we’re stuck and can’t see that there’s any other solution. The problem we can’t solve on our own is the way we think about our situation, whatever it may be. They lure us to focus on them but it’s all smoke and mirrors. Those look very much like the problem, but as a Coach (and having been coached) I can tell you that those are disguises. The problem isn’t the ADHD or our budget and time restraints. “You can’t solve a problem with the same consciousness that created the problem.” I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again (in fact, I’m thinking of having it tattooed on my arm): I just love Albert Einstein’s quote, It is possible to transform a state of overwhelm into a state of calm, contentment, relief and hope. But both are untruths, fictions that keep us tied to misery.
We think that real people don’t sweat the small stuff and don’t understand us and our dilemma. Whichever fantasy you live with, I gotta ask: “How much fun are you having?”īoth perfectionism and despair often appear to be real. Too often, though, parents will attach themselves to the image of a fantasy family, and whether they embrace the Brady’s or the Conner’s, they create a negative fantasy for themselves in which they can never catch up, never slow down, never be good enough. Your child’s drama becomes your drama (the parents) which becomes your other children’s drama. To be sure, having an ADHD child affects the whole family. They say “You don’t understand.” Never catch up, never slow down, never be good enough They live in overwhelm and drama, with occasional glimpses of relief and joy, much like the Connors on “Roseanne” or the Wilkersons on “Malcolm in the Middle.” They resent being told that they don’t have to live with so much tension and anguish. Still other parents do not dare hope for relief from parenting their ADHD kids. They feel they are letting their families down by not creating this type of family. Parents want to believe they can recreate this if only they try harder.
#UNDERMINE PUZZLE ROOMS TV#
They long for the simplicity and harmony of TV families like The Waltons, The Bradys, or The Cunninghams of “Happy Days.” Or even the manageable chaos of the families on “Modern Family” where, at least, there’s a lot of love and humor. But today, as an adult, I realize that many parents dream of recreating a fantasy family. I think back to my own family, to my mother asking, “Why can’t we be more like The Waltons?” At the time, as a teenager, I thought it was a ridiculous question and I told her so.
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